How to Ruin Macaroni and Cheese

It is the easiest meal on the planet. Boil water. Toss in some dry noodle tubes. Wait 8 minutes, drain, don't rinse, then back in the pot with false cheese powder and false butter. Oh, wait: Add 1/4 cup of milk and stir.

You sure? 1/4 cup? Not 3/4 cup or, maybe, 3 cups. And what if you're whipping up two boxes at once? Twice 1/4 is not quite the same as twice 3/4 cup (or twice 3 cups).

All I know is, I made Macaroni Cheese Soup.

No problem. Leave it on the stove a little to evaporate. (But the kids are screaming.)
No problem. What thickens soup? Cheese? Crackers? Flour? Sugar? Baking powder? Baking soda? I put in a little of everything. Every powder that was nearby. Baby powder, a little Gold Bond, salt, crushed Tums, Comet.

In the end, I put in a lot of powdered coffee creamer. A lot. Thickened right up.

They sure ate a lot of hot dogs. They actually liked the Sweet Creamer Macaroni Cheese Soup but it was a little rich -- more like dessert than a main course. One or two bites and they were done, smiling.

Now I've got a Tupperware container full of two boxes worth of Macaroni in sugar-saturated coffee creamer form. I guess I get to take it to work for lunch. Maybe I'll give it to the toothless guy asking for spare change on the corner. What's he got to lose?

Where's Christa? Out for the night? A play? Why do I have to suffer just because she's enduring legitimate theater? Oh well. Last night she made me dinner Cajun style -- a little blackened. She brought it to me with an apology. I lovingly reassured her: At least she didn't burn the beer.